The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Randomize
