i already hear my dad disowning me
And that's when I found out that Patrick wasn't in fact down with O.P.P.
You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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