You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
This baby is an asshole
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Randomize
