we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
Randomize
