i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
