GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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