what day is it and did you see me today?
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
Pooping to opera.
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