Please explain to me what this has to do with my fantasy to fuck larry king?
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
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