I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
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