There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
It's just like the Real World with babies
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Randomize
