He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
