My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
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