Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
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