just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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