i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
The Lion King Is on YouTube
Until 2 minutes ago I actually had a chance to pass my midterms... thanks alot
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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