so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
