I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
whatever happens this semester dont let me be that girl yacking in the urinal. again.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Randomize
