at some point to night u and I have a 'meeting' too...(1-737): I hope so
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
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