Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Randomize
