Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Randomize
