I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
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