i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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