I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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