I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
is he apposed to sex in general? or just porch sex?
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
I need moral support for this bender
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
