Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
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