I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Randomize
