youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
