They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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