I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
