I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
