Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
Randomize
