Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
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