I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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