He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
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