Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
Randomize
