the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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