Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
Randomize
