it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
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