just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
yes we did fuck in his chapter room. yes it was demeaning. and yes, they probably will discuss it at chapter tonight.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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