went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Randomize
