If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
