Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
Look, I know why you're asking me, but just because I'm gay does not make me a wiki on butt sex. Ask a doctor or you know, the internet like everyone else.
Randomize
