Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
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