pwbgyin
what?
penguin condom
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
Randomize
