i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize
