There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Fuck me I smell like cheese
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
