I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
