ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
