I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
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