Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
your like the ambassador to my penis.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
