You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
We're watching a video in class about cheese. The scoring for it sounds like that of a Lifetime movie. My mind is creative. I've continued my own story in my head of a wheel of cheese that was raped and murdered. It's so sad. I hope they get the guy. Btw, the video is about marketing.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
