i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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