They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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